Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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