i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
