Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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