I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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