took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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