I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
