im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
