i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
you never un-have a 4some
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
