Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
