we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
