From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
