Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My ass is underappreciated
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
