He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
