so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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