is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
