Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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