I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
