your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
