I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
