she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
