You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
