Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
