The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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