Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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