The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
