Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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