I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
