CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
