I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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