Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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