Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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