I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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