she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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