In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
