What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
