i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
