Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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