last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
