Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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