i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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