I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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