Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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