it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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