I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
