When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
