i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
