just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
