God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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