and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
