Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
